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lirazel

I think my toxic trait is that when I come across a perspective that is super foreign to my own, I want to understand it, so I keep asking questions from different directions hoping it will lead me to understand.

But often...it seems I just fundamentally can't understand and the asking makes people defensive because I come across as attacking their perspective, even though that's the last thing I want to do. So maybe I need to ask less questions?

Apr 12, 2024, 20:10 · · · Web · 0 · 3

@lirazel rather than asking less questions, could you or do you maybe explain up front why you are asking all the questions? Like... "hey, this is a really different perspective than my own, is it ok if I ask a bunch of questions to try to understand it better?" then you are still able to learn but you are explaining the why on your end and giving an option for the other person to opt out as well. :)

@Erzbet I feel like I try to do this but maybe I am bad at it and I need to say it in a different way!

@lirazel@federatedfandom.net hm, I don't think asking questions is an issue at all. If this is related to the top/bottom discussion on fan chat, it's fine imo? The only thing that made me feel a little twitchy was assuming that other people in the thread are not also ace because iirc, there are lots of ace ppl in this corner of Fedi

@geraineon More a general observation about all the times I ask questions about gender or sexuality.

I didn’t mean to assume other people weren’t! It was just a theory based on how many times in my life I didn’t get something and later realized it’s because I was ace and talking to allo people. But the theory was conclusively proved wrong from both directions!

@lirazel@federatedfandom.net oh then I'm not sure. If you want, and have some examples, I can read through and give my thoughts?

@lirazel
I don't think that's toxic.

Everyone involved in a conversation is responsible for their own part of it.

You do a good job of positioning your questions as coming from a place of curiosity and being in good faith.

But also we're all familiar with bad-faith actors who are just sea-lioning*

* wondermark.com/c/1062/

It can be hard to tell the difference between genuine curiosity and sea-lioning, especially if it's a tender subject and bad-faith actors abound.

Wondermark · #1062; The Terrible Sea LionThis sea lion has made the rounds. Also, a clarification on the sea lion character.

@lirazel
Personally I try to be aware of the topics people tend to be defensive about, and to recognise when defensiveness is happening. And will usually drop the discussion if it looks like it's going that way.

But! I'm really curious too and want to Understand All the Things. So sometimes I miss the signals & keep asking questions anyway.

At those times, I try to be forgiving of everyone involved, including myself.

Some things are *hard* to discuss.

@lookitmychicken @lirazel I've never heard this term before, interesting! I have to think about what kind of behaviour exactly it describes. Faking interest and good faith communication to troll someone? Inserting oneself where one wasn't invited and monopolizing everyone's time and attention? Behaving exactly as negatively as others presumed while gaslighting them about it?
Tbh I haven't consciouly seen either but would have considered all of these as trolling.

@thalassa @lirazel
Yeah basically the kind of troll who says "what?? I was just asking questions! I'm just trying to learn! You'll never win people to your side if you won't take the time to educate them. Can't we have a rational discussion about this? Etc etc"

They don't actually want to learn & there's no chance they'll change their position.