Meditations | 7-16

On spaciousness ~

Sometimes you get to the end of the day and finally stand still and perhaps you recognize that you have spent the entirety of your day completely unaware of how you are feeling.

I find this sometimes, right after putting my daughter to bed, sitting on the end of her bed and just exhaling. There is a part of my brain constantly functioning as an external compute unit for this other being, and it's not until I can turn that off with some confidence that I realize that I've spent absolutely no time in the day checking in with myself.

Perhaps this is a function of parenting young children, and perhaps it gets easier, but I don't think that that's where it started.

I think, based on conversations with many other people who drift in and out of my life at different moments (or who are here consistently), that this isn't just a consequence of being a caregiver, but a consequence of being here, now, in this world that we live in.

It seems we spend a lot of our days reacting to our emotions or bodily urges moment to moment, without really delving deeper into them, without really giving them space, and without really considering if they're honest and true and deserve a reaction.

And so this evening I'm going to send out into the void of this online world a few things to ponder if you find yourself here, still, at the end of the day, flush with the overwhelm of all of the cumulative emotions and sensations and stimuli of the day, finding that you never really gave them a centimeter of space when they demanded it and now things are crowded in your head and your body.

A meditation for spaciousness:

Stand in a calm place: in front of your altar, in your bedroom, on your patio, in the wood by your house. A place that feels safe enough to remove your glasses or contact lenses, hold something comforting if you need to, and close your eyes. If standing isn't an option, sit. Modify this as you need to.

Wrap your arms around yourself and apply pressure. Count to ten, and try to slow your breathing. Do not try to silence your thoughts, do not try to control them, just allow them to flow.

Stand on your tiptoes, up and down. Flex and release your calves a few times. Squeeze and relax your buttocks a few times. Twist your torso until you find that space of release, and then go the other way. Roll your neck back, and feel your spine elevate you as though a string is pulling you up, straighter and straighter, until you're taller than you were a moment ago. Feel yourself getting lighter. Check in with your toes, and your fingers. Check in with your jaw, and release tension. Stop chewing your lips. Unfurrow your brow. Raise your arms up above you, wide like a ballerina, and feel yourself evoke space, claim it.

Now center on your breath. Four counts in, four count hold, four counts out, four count hold.

"In, two, three, four; hold, two, three, four; out, two, three, four; hold, two, three, four; in, two, three, four" and so on. Consciously attempt to slow the counting down to the speed of your heartbeat. When you feel yourself speeding up again, center on your heartbeat. In, out. In, out. One, two, three, four. When you find yourself bringing up conflict from the day, nod to it and re-focus on your counting. When you find yourself feeling pain or tension in your body, imagine it dissolving like sugar in water, and then re-center on your breath. Sit if you need to. When you find yourself ruminating on what so-and-so thought of that thing you said earlier, or what to post online next, or how you look in this moment, or what you have to do tomorrow, or later, or in five minutes, nod to it and re-center on your breath.

Give yourself ten minutes to check in and breathe. And then you're done. If you really want to get the most out of this, sit down and journal through your thoughts and feelings -- either about the meditation or about your day -- right afterwards, before engaging in any other distractions.

How do you feel afterwards? How do your interactions with others change?